my life has changed so much that I had to start a new blog. email me at laurajlockardATgmailDOTcom if you’d like to be connected to the new page. :)
continuing on a journey of Infertility, Pregnancy loss, Adoption, and Foster Care
my life has changed so much that I had to start a new blog. email me at laurajlockardATgmailDOTcom if you’d like to be connected to the new page. :)
What people don’t know about me are probably the things that define me most as a human being at this point in my life. Yes, i am a child of God, but i mean the flawed human existence I maintain here on earth…the ever changing mess that is me. The things I keep hidden, am ashamed of, or just don’t want to talk about are what affects that “me” on a daily basis.
Right now I am walking through a very deep and dark depression. I’d like to say that my faith is the only thing keeping me going, but I am not fake or a liar. Good thing my God doesn’t leave nor forsake me, even when I neglect my own part of my relationship with Him. My friendships are a real struggle for me, as I just don’t want to talk about the things I am feeling and thinking…and I am pretty sure in choosing not to let people in I hurt them. Not my intention, but my poor brain is tired of these depressing thoughts and yearns for conversation other than what’s running through my head 24/7 already.
I have been really blessed with a person to counsel me and walk through all the yuck with me…a long time friend who is like a mom to me. Pretty much every day I spend a good deal of time talking with her online. Some weekends I am lucky enough to spend in-person time with her too. We talk about everything. Current issues and old hurts I never fully healed from; she let’s me be my snarky, sarcastic self but she hears me and understands. That I appreciate so very much.
All I know is that with the things on our plate right now, something’s gotta give. And soon. One day at a time, right?
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted, like REALLY posted anything. There is a lot I want to write, to just have out there, but that’s the tough thing about people I know reading my blog, I just want to be anonymous sometimes. But I’ll post what I can for whoever is out there that still reads this. If anyone.
I’m really falling apart. Infertility…no matter what bullshit I’ve posted about being “over it” and “healed…” I was lying, or in denial, or in a phase or something. It’s not the act of getting pregnant or having the baby or any of that. Dealing with that part of the infertile game isn’t so bad. What’s hard is being the only one who isn’t…or hasn’t…or won’t ever. I’ve got a couple bloggy buddies who have yet to achieve mommy-club status, but in real life, I’m the only one.
Every time I make a new circle of friends, everybody gets pregnant. If you don’t believe me—check this…early 2008, got on the TTC boards and made some friends…they all got pregnant and later in 2008 moved to virginia at the group home….2 neighbors get pregnant, the schmids get pregnant (who moved out after us) and our friends the Lees get pregnant. second instance…2009/10Group home in omaha…Kirkendalls get pregnant, lady in late thirties next door who hasn’t been able to conceive suddenly conceives spontaneously, a few others in our neighborhood. Third…2011Professional foster homes….i get two new neighbors who i enjoy spending time with and even BONDING over the fact that fertility is not any of our fortes….and POOF both ladies are knocked up within two months Fourth…again 2001 (this year’s been a doozy!) Teen parents group…I get close to C and L and a little with R who are all volunteers and mentors…guess who all three get beautiful pregnant bellies together?? I’m like the good luck chuck of pregnancy!
And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the way it makes me feel when they start talking about morning sickness or baby names or whatever and how they just look at each other and I’m the third, fifth, whatever wheel who stares into oblivion or busys myself on my cell phone to avoid the awkwardness of having nothing to contribute. I’m tired of being included out of love but excluded out of circumstance. And I have no idea what is better, distancing myself to protect my own heart, at risk of offending and making the others feel rejected…OR torturing myself and hurting every day by keeping close to keep others happy and their feelings unhurt? I don’t know the right answer. I have tried both and both have slapped me in the face. I only have one friend truly who allowed me to distance myself but had no negative consequences on our friendship. And we’re still very close…just during the pregnancy part i needed my space and she respected that. But I’ve also been verbally attacked for the very same strategy with others.
Infertility is a tough hand to be dealt…anyone who tries to tell me or someone else suffering through it is a jerk who needs to look at their kids and think for a second what their life would be without that child or children EVER existing. Without the hope of them existing no matter how hard you try or pray or long for them. No getting around it, it sucks. If you have a friend that is infertile and you’re not, please stop telling them you’re sorry and God has a reason and timing for everything…and just acknowledge that its not fair and you can believe them when they say it sucks.
Infertility can destroy a woman’s soul. We’re brought up given dolls…take care of this, nurture this, play house, be the mom. We put pillows under our shirts from barely being toddlers to simulate the status of being pregnant because we’re taught and shown that, inevitably, this will happen. We play like we later daydream and fantasize about. And we are expected to someday live out that fantasy, as its our “god-given right and privilege” as women.
You get your period and they talk about how this means now you can have a baby. So then we talk about safe sex. But now we glorify teen-motherhood with reality shows so nobody really listens. But it all goes back to the thought that “when girls have sex, there will be a baby.” You take parenting and family science classes about raising kids and all that.
You date a guy and you get a little serious so you put his last name behind yours to be silly. You talk about having kids and what you’d name them. You might even have a pregnancy scare. You get engaged. You really talk about planning things like how many kids you want, and when you want to have them. Will you stay home as a mom or put them in daycare and work? You might even talk about all of this in premarital counseling, too.
At your wedding the pastor talks about the godly children you will bring into the world and raise up to honor God. You honeymoon. You pull the goalie, whatever method you used…and in most cases…you fairly soon after get that positive test and those healthy ultrasounds…find out the gender and POP there comes your baby!
But what about those of us that THIS fairy tale, or none like it…is in the works for? What are we, like chopped liver?
We go the a million more doctors appointments than our fertile friends. We silently covet and pray and beg God for OUR miracle, our chance. Then we wonder what we’ve done wrong… is there a reason or a sin or SOMETHING that makes us less deserving than everybody else?
Some of us are so fortunate that people in the church notice our blunder and so lovingly offer to “heal” our infertility through prayer and putting their hands on our broken wombs. (awkward but it happened to me more than 3 times). The most amazing part is, some healers and prayers and visionaries even have the audacity to give a time line, “Within the next year, you’ll hold your baby boy in your arms.” “in the very near future….” and things like that. Funny thing, we’re past two years on both of those statements and guess who hasn’t even conceived and miscarried again since then!? ME! I get that people are well-meaning, but why would you do this to someone? All it does is turn them away from the church because apparently people in the church lie and aren’t as “close” with God as they appear if they claim to heal and all that.
Anyway, I digress. I guess what I’m getting at is that the norm is for the whole baby thing to happen within a reasonable amount of time. And nearly five years is maybe not THAT long for some of you who’ve waited longer, but for me it feels like eternity. I would have rather known from the start that kids were out of the picture for me. It would have made it easier to shape my life around something other than the desire to be a mom. I could have let the person i was dating know, “hey just in case you want this to go long term, I can NEVER give you kids.” and they can make an informed decision from there. I understand if that would be a deal breaker—call me shallow, but if someone would have been dating me and told me that they were totally sterile, prior to knowing I couldn’t carry a baby to term, I probably would have ended it respectfully then, as well.
Infertility can have drastic effects on marriages. When two people built the foundation of their relationship and marriage on God and the things that they thought were guarantees or promises of his…when the whole aspect of children is ripped away from them, it changes things. Maybe one partner is too sensitive while the other is lacking when it comes to sensitivity. Intimacy can be destroyed when one partner obsesses over fertility factors and the other just wants to be loved. What do you look forward to in your future when the thought of soccer games, graduations, proms, etc are yanked from the list of options?
Anyway, I’ve blabbed enough. I’m stressed. I’m tired. And I’m really feeling alone. I am just done with this situation. Wish I could make it go away and never be thought of again. But that’s only a fantasy…the ironic thing about all of this, is in the middle of writing this book of an entry…I got a text from a friend letting me know she’s pregnant. *yey*
**dont mean to offend anybody…i’m just snarky and grumpy today.
Sometimes, I just wonder what I’m supposed to want anymore.
Its almost like as soon as I think I’m okay with the way things are, something else happens and here I am again, discontent, angry, and disappointed in myself for failing.
I’m sure you’ve figured it out…another one of my friends is pregnant. and I’m happy for her, I really am. I’m not upset that she’s pregnant…that’s not it. She’d been trying for a couple years, was having troubles, and we met through a group we both volunteer at and she and I found friendship and comfort in what we had in common…the struggle to bring a child into this world, and an aching desire to do so.
I feel like such an ass. Being that we have this shared struggle…i should be bouncing up and down and all around and just so thrilled. instead I just sit here weeping. Because I’m selfish. Because I enjoyed having someone in real life that I could hang out with and be sad, or be cynical, or whatever about infertility or whatever else. Because it was nice not to be the only one who gets asked, “why haven’t you had any babies yet?” Because I hate being alone.
I’ve joked for a long time that if anybody wants to get pregnant, they just need to be my friend. And here is just another proven case. Where’s my friend like this? My infertile good luck charm? When do I get to leave somebody else in my suddenly fertile dust? Those words are just nasty to say…hateful even…but what am I supposed to say or feel?
I do praise God for this friend, and the blessing she has now. But when will I get to praise him for my blessing? I just want one…one baby that I can look at and say, “I got to be a part of that life from the beginning.” I love my foster sons, its not that they’re not good enough….even the ones we will have for adoption. But they’re all teenagers…and have torn loyalties and one day they’re fine with me being “mom”, the next they are calling me a bitch and saying how much they hate me and want out of my house.
To my friend, if you read this, I’m sorry. Its nothing you did, said, or didn’t do or say. It’s just me. I love you.
Not to toot my own horn or anything like that, but for the moust part I do whatever I can to help people… Even though sometimes doing those things can overtake my life or really complicate things for me. I’m not a Saint, just hard wired to help I guess. anyway, recently one of the teen moms I know from the group I volunteer and mentor for asked me to take her son in as a foster placement. see, she is in foster care herself and was requesting separate placement with my family in a stable home so that he wouldn’t have to move around from house to house anymore…
Well… After she requested this separation for months, her worker did place them separately… Mom was put in a youth shelter and baby in a random foster home. that’s right… Not here.
now I have known the girl in this case since before her son was born…I have even housed her and baby for respite care… Between that and her involvement in the teen parents group I volunteer for, I have gotten to know her very well and she calls me her “big sister”. she knows oit whole family and trusts us, so its probably easy to see why she might ask us to take her son in.
Since their initial separation, I have been supporting and advocating for the girl to have visitation and for her wishes to be followed regarding where her son its placed.
Now… The babys father is pretty indifferent about his involvement in the child’s life. his mom, however, is obsessed and about thirty pounds of crazy. now, personally I don’t know this lady, and she doesn’t know me. we have never had a conversation before.
Recently, this woman has started saying some really nasty things about me, my family, and the group I volunteer for. she’s even posted several things on facebook stating my name and that I brainwashEd this teenage girl into giving me her infant son.
I am one tough broad, but these words really hurt me. yes, I do have a room ready for him. because his mom asked me to. yes, I have been fighting for the baby to come here… Also because his mother requested it and there is nobody else willing to advocate. yes, I love this baby. probably cause I’ve known him since before he was born and spent lots of time with him.
Do I want to steal him away from a capable young mother who wants to parent him? certainly not. but if she requests that he be in a stable, loving home that she knows… Of course we would take him and raise him until she is at a place that she could provide that stability and security on her own. wouldn’t I be a douchebag if I just told her “too bad, I’m not getting involved”?
Ugh. I wish crap like what this lady says just didn’t bother me. but it does… And kind of makes me feel like a total loser. how would words like that affect you? and how would you deal with them?
I’m having a rough day today…in more ways than one. I ask for nothing but prayers for comfort and clarity and patience.
Well, the bow collection has expanded immensely, even after some sales and donations…I’m building up inventory to do some craft shows this fall! And now I have started to love making Tutus and my friend Khrystyna and I made a sweet diaper cake and gift bag. I soo wish we could have a little business! A girl can dream, right?
Every once in a while I like to go on a random tangent…about 2 years ago I posted a “25 random things about me” post. Amazingly…two plus years later, the randomness has increased immensely…and due to the fact that lately I have neglected you…I will fill you in!
Random things about ME! (2011 edition)
1. I am a chubby chaser. No, I’m not being mean to anybody…and yes my hubby is a little on the husky side…but its true. The sight of scrawny, super skinny dudes and even no body fat but super muscular dudes is just weird to me. Now, I would love and adore my husband at any size, but even a little extra fluff catches my eye. Lol
2. I am about the world’s crappiest friend unless we are within a pretty short driving distance. I don’t know why, but I just have the stuffed animal mentality. You know, like when you are a kid and you have all your stuffed animals….you love them all, even the one you can never find because its wedged between the bed and the wall…but when you do find it you go out of your way to play with it since you feel bad for losing him in the first place. I’m the same way with my friends who I love dearly. I suck at maintaining friendships other than through texting and facebook…and if we are too far apart to see each other pretty regularly, I don’t have rave reviews from people for keeping in touch. Lucky for me, people consider it one of my handicaps and they love me anyway…even though I have them grumbling at me for never calling!
3. I really want a daughter. For the longest time, I swore I would be the mom who had a house full of smelly, stinky, rough housing boys….and that I would love it. Well I am living it with my five boys between age five and sixteen right now and I was right about the loving it part. But I always feel like something is missing…and I think its because I finally realize that I want a daughter!
4. I have a complex about my in-laws…not just my husband’s family but of my brother’s wife and other brother’s girlfriend as well. I feel like no matter what I do I am making someone mad at me, someones disappointed, someone is judging me. Does anybody say or do anything to truthfully make me feel this way??? For the most part, no. Its just my twisted brain and how I feel like people perceive me. Why I feel this way…I don’t know. I try so hard to get out of this mindset, but I am just stuck in it. I love these people, so I wish it would go away.
5. I am borderline insomniac. I somehow function on 3 to 5 hours of sleep per night most of the time. I swear if it wouldn’t keep my whole house up so late, I would be up doing zumba on kinect trying to burn off some energy.
6. I have no idea how to bond with my 5 and 6 year old foster sons. I feel like I can bond with anybody from any circumstance better than these guys. I try everything…and its been two months and I adore them and we have been on quite the rollercoaster so far…but I feel like from their end to us there are no feelings at all. *******edit…okay so my 6 y/o just had a nightmare and the fact that he wakes up calling for me melts my heart. Maybe there’s more there than I realize on their end, they just have to be half asleep to let their guard down enough to show it. He even said I love you to me…that’s rare!
7. I am in LOVE with text speak. I guess I feel like it simplifies things…its like a modern day shorthand language. 4rl tho…idk y bt I jst rly
8. I have no ability to control the volume of my voice. Seriously, I think I am told that I am loud more times than I am told I am loved…:) now I know that God gave me the anatomical capabilities to be quiet, but I think my wiring is off in the old noggin and I have no clue how to effectively and appropriately use them!
9. I have deep anxieties about getting feedback…from anybody and about anything. I just get really self-critical and doubting and my responses are one of two things….completely shut down or over respond by justifying myself like a Harvard Law graduate at the Supreme Court.
10. Kurt and I are eligible to sign up to adopt an infant for free…we meet all the requirements and we could be in an adoptive parents pool right now…but we aren’t because I have a fear that no mom would ever pick us. Yep, that’s right…my fears of rejection are keeping us out of even trying! What a loser am I???
11. I have been asked three times this year by girls I know to adopt their babies. Now, when it comes down to it, it never happens…but I think its a comfort for them to know that there can be another option if they so choose it. Regardless, its a heck of a compliment!
12. I love cleaning floors. Doesn’t matter if its sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, or steam cleaning….I adore these chores. I think its cause you can literally see something get cleaned…there is evidence of your work. Seriously though…I LOVE cleaning floors.
13. I don’t separate my clothes….I throw it all in the wash together! Teehee
14. And while we are on the subject…I enjoy folding laundry but despise putting it all away when I am done.
15. Still on the subject of clothes…I don’t really know how to iron. I’m glad kurt and my kids know how to and prefer to do their own!
16. I cannot tell you how much it drives me bonkers when people with a high school diploma cannot write a single sentence without horrible spelling and grammatical mistakes. Now I’m not talking about text speak…I mean when people spell the state “Oregon” like the body part “organ”…when they cannot figure out if the there they’re talking about is theirs or not…and when they spell the word “compare” like this: compair. Wtf!
17. I have three pet rats and they are some of the most amusing things I have ever seen. They are quirky and cute, and call me disgusting if you like…but I love having them out to crawl around on me and my house!
18. I could sit in front of the aquarium in the dining room for hours…some days I literally do. I think its the relaxing sound more than anything, but I thoroughly enjoy a solo breakfast and/or cup of tea in front of the fishtank.
Welp, that’s the end of tonights randomness! I randomly got tired as I was typing! :) enjoy my quirks!
Bows! Yes, as a mom of five boys, I realize that this behavior is totally ridiculous. So, I just really need a daughter. (Please feel free to help me ask God for one!) Anyway, I have been making bows for just over a week now…and I’m addicted. I have been told to mass produce and sell them…but I don’t even know where to start! Would you pay for a handmade bow? How much would you pay??? Who knows. For now, though, they’re keeping me moderately entertained!
The first week in June I was blessed with two boys, age 5 and 6 and they are brothers. These kids are the most challenging kids/case I have worked with and I have had NO free time whatsoever lately…I will try to post again soon!